The start of a new year! Another trip around the sun. We start off with a lot of great energy and intent. Some of it was sapped from us on the first day back to work (ba-dump). I have a lot of intentions this year. I’m an excellent starter! Do I continue and follow thru without getting distracted? Um. Yeah. No. Therefore, I always have intentions no matter what month of the year. A monthly series will help to augment my most recent intents. I hope.
I’ve always loved this one…
…but what do you do if you don’t know your self? I think I’ve been
trying to manage –> struggling to figure out who I am post-having a baby. Who I am is always changing, but what is the core of who I am? Seeking answers these past few years has been like trying to hit a moving target. My thinking has been steeped in cliches. I want to be a good mom. I want to be a good wife. I want to have it all. What is ‘all’? I don’t know, but I’m supposed to want it, right? What I know for sure is that I haven’t been able to grasp myself. If what I’m saying doesn’t make sense to you, just imagine how I feel. I’m not sure I get it either, but I know all pistons are not firing at the same time. I have experienced that before and it’s awesome. I realize feeling in tune is just a feeling, a fleeting thing. There will always be contrast experiences and resulting, contrasting emotions. I’m a little over contrast, though. I’ve been living la vida Charlie Brown, trying to implement things and they just fizz no matter how well I’ve planned, thought it out or tried to execute. Looking at you, career.
As I was writing my first 2015 post, I realized the disconnect between my intent and actions last year. I’m not sure I mentioned it in there, but my lack of concentration was an issue. I only focused on the immediate moment and was always feeling a day behind. Every day. Concentration, or lack of it, deserves its own post. Briefly I’ll say that meditation and yoga are the immediate buzzwords one thinks of to combat this problem. I meditate consistently for a period. I use the 4th or 5th section on this Rodney Yee DVD, They’re about 10 min each. Or I just do 10-30 minutes to this ocean track, I fall out of the habit within a couple weeks, usually due to my schedule changing or some unforseen event. The rewards of better sleep, a more positive mind and less anxiety are worth it when I meditate regularly, but I have to put in the time. And it takes a period of time for me to see results. There’s always the concetration hump for me to get past that will allow me to ‘drop in.’ At the beginning of the year, I realized a much faster way I can connect to my inner self.
I took ice skating lessons when I was little. I even performed in a couple of shows and competed. My brother played ice hockey. My whole family skated. We created a lot of memories. My closest friends know this about me and have encouraged me to skate as a hobby on a regular basis. I started again in 2009 after not skating for about a decade. After dropping good coin to get really good skates, I went once/week minimum. Interestingly, I saw a good deal of professional success. I think it was because I didn’t completely revolve my life and worries around work. I had something fun to look forward to and I was losing weight, as a side benefit. This past Dec, a friend kept telling me to go ice skating over and over and I kept saying yeah, I’m getting to it. Soon. They open smaller, semi-outdoor holiday rinks here and I finally couldn’t come up with anymore excuses. I didn’t go by myself, but we took Mini G for her first skate (Instavid). and she loved it. The holiday rinks don’t have the same ice quality as a regular rink, but it felt so good to be on it.
The excitement begins when I lace my skates. I try to take my time to get them snug, but the anticipation doesn’t make for easy waiting. I hate cold and being cold, but when I feel the cool air wafting from the ice onto my face, I feel refreshed. The spiritual and mental burdens I have leave my body. The crisp sounds that the blades make, the music in the rink, watching and listening to the other skaters…all of it rejuvenates my spirit. If my facial expression froze while I was in the rink, I’d be left with a perma smile. Skating is that good for and to me. I connect to myself very easily when I’m skating. I can get lost solely in the activity. And if outside, day-to-day worries creep in, it’s like the ice just freezes it for that time period. Problems don’t exist. I know this about skating for me and I just haven’t done it since having Mini g. Yet, in order to be successful, I’m going to have to let go —
(you knew I was going to work let it go in with talk about ice…)
— of my anxious ways to make room for all things good I want in my life. I will admit that I don’t have another ice skating session planned. This first week of the new year is particularly busy for me, which has been stressful at the start, but will end very well. I’m not going to make any promises or declarations about when I’ll get back on the ice. I can easily access for the most powerful results is a good thing to keep near the forefront of my mind. If I can fortify myself from the inside, my intentions have a shot at seeing fruition. The difference between yoga/meditation and ice skating is that the effects of the latter are immediate for me. And my skating high lasts at least 24 hours. A stopping block to ice skating is something I struggle with regularly: deservability. When I ask myself do I deserve the leisure to skate? Yes. Yes, I do.
This month’s meditation: What activity can you do that will connect you to your inner self? Tip: Shopping does not count. I’ve tried.